Counting Beans

In order to find ways to stay occupied, looking busy, and not losing my mind to irritation and frustration, I’ve taken to writing these silly posts on word, emailing them to myself, copy and pasting them from the email off my phone, and transferring the words into the wordpress app on my blackberry. All to stay busy. I actually have a lot of things I could be doing. I have a new book to read, David Sedaris’ “Me Talk Pretty One Day”, or another 50 Christmas cards I could write. However, it “looks” a great deal less productive to be do Crimbo cards at my desk when I could look like I’m working super hard at writing a highly important document which will discover the cure the cancer, or the solution to the budget crises.
But really…I’m just trying to not go insane.

Since this is officially my second week, and almost the end of my second week, I feel it’s fair to say that I’m figuring more than a few things out. The dynamics within the office are the way that they are, some people having been here for 7-10 years, all working together in one harmonious family- still imbibing all of the qualities we used to love so much from high school- cliques, whispering, and making others feel lesser and weak. Hurray. Then there are the people who have been here 2-3 years, and are still busy worker bees, filing their papers and doing what they can to survive the monotony which is their not being a cool kid and not being a new kid- ie, the lame middle ground.

Then there are the wannabes or the try-to-harders. This is the group that I now fall into. I would LOVE to have something to do, ANYTHING to do, so I try too hard to get things, find projects, make up tasks and end up alienating all of the worker bees who have their schedule and their duties and don’t want to be disturbed, and irritate the old skoolers who find my exuberance tiring and overdone as they worked their way up through the crap slowly and painfully, so why should I be any different. I don’t get asked to sit with these people at lunch, to gossip and feel important. I don’t get to assist the middle grounders because they just want to be left alone. And so now, I’m getting paid to just…sit here.

Should I be upset about this? Should I really try to stir the shit and get somewhere or do something by angering the OBVIOUS hierarchy that exists and is shoved down my throat hourly? Should I just do my holiday cards and when someone from the higher ups asks me disgustedly how I could be wasting my time at work by not working, I could respond, “this is what you’re paying me to do, right?”

Not bitter. Just bored. Very, very bored.

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