BFFF

(best fucking friends forever!)

I’ve always been behind the times. Always. I was the last kid to catch onto trendy clothes, makeup, cool music (I still haven’t listened to Pink Floyd all the way through…or the Rolling Stones…or The Doors…the list goes freaking on and on…it’s sad…), alcohol, cigarettes, sex…the works. If someone did it at 15, I did it at 25. If it was cool at 20, I finally hurled myself onto the bandwagon at 30. And throughout my youth, I found myself sometimes irritated, sometimes fascinated, sometimes unsure about the actions of my friends. Then later in my development, I found myself concerning the same issues now patient, understanding, and assured that these things I had first witnessed were normal and fairly common. HURRAY! NORMALITY!

At 31.5 years of age, I find myself coming back to a stage of my life I’ve been before, but only sporadically, and without “great” success. The last time I was in-love, in-love it was about a decade ago, with a person I naively thought was going to be my life partner and, to put it bluntly, didn’t. Not even close. And I really thought that I wasn’t going to find another person that mostly, I just LIKED as much, to be around. I’ve spent the last decade dating people I really have never actually liked in the first place. Toleration is a skill too many people have perfected and administered, these days. To be with a mate that just sort of interests you, can kind of make you happy, just passes in the sack, barely keeps you aware that they are there…well, that’s not the life for me. Not anymore, at least.

I’m now about to celebrate two years with an amazing man. A guy who first and foremost, gets me and my needs and tries his hardest to cater to them, without losing himself. He is kind, affectionate, funny, interested, loyal, caring, smart, piqued, active, dutiful, loving, understanding, special dude, and I am finding myself getting swept away in the grandeur which is being in love, and being together.

And lately, that’s all I want to do is just be with him and be with my dog. I know my resolutions about being more active and social are important, and I am still doing my darndest to be about and around for as many things as I can with my new and local friends. But somedays…my god, I can’t even imagine wanting to leave my house, leave my bed, leave the couch, without my two fellas, if I can even make it out the door. And this whole sensation is a tough one for me because I have detested it SO MUCH in others.

While all of my friends started falling love and settling down with their partners, their marriages, families, homes, etc. I was traveling all over the world, for the most part enthusiastic and detached, but also missing that connection to home that I have lived and loved throughout my entire life. Getting emails from my friends became harder and harder as time wore on because they felt they had nothing interesting to talk about because their prime activity was just staring longingly into their mates’ eyes and feeling happy. I agree, it is kind of boring to talk about or read over, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to hear something…ANYTHING, just to feel close. When I realized I might not have the steady connection that I desired, I started a blog to at least be out there for those that felt they wanted to be a part of my life, my adventures, with no pressure on them to reciprocate.

But when I came home it was harder. Now I was out of my element and needed more than ever to be connected to the people that I loved and missed, but time was not on my side. Cancellations, missed calls, excuses, sorries, the works. I knew that my friends felt bad about not being around, but they literally COULD NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Seriously, their lives were focal point number one and I was the one who needed to get on the bandwagon headed to growing up and stop being so needy.

I’ve been told that a lot. “I don’t have time for you”, “I can’t give you the energy and commitment that you need”, “It’s too much to be your friend”. Ouuuuuuch. It still stings. There are still situations where the scratch hasn’t quite healed, but let’s not make this about my feelings, let’s keep it to this is where situations were in my life and my friends lives, and this was my reality. A few of my friendships died, a few dwindled, some came and went, but for the most part, life moved on.

Present Day: I find it hard to call, email, see the people I adore THE MOST, because it takes time away from my doe eyed ogling of my loves. I have 4.5 hours a day that I’m not working or working out, and every moment is PRECIOUS, the weekends even more so. And now I’m getting the complaint, “Ahhh come on! You LIVE with him, you see him all of the time, COME OUT!” And to be fair, sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. But more than anything, this situation causes me to choose definitively those that I really do love to hang out with vs. those I tolerate because maybe we’ll be good friends..later…possibly never in life. If I do venture into the big world, it’s to be with the folks that are (oh god, do I say it???) worth my time, but mostly, worth my time away from my little, lovely family.

So, I’ve become that which I most detested- an loved up space head with little free time to do anything fun or crazy. Let’s cook dinner, have a bottle of wine, and watch a Netflix all together. Or hey, if we want to get really crazy, let’s order out, play some Scrabble, and talk about the possibility of maybe trying to go out to dessert after the game (WOWZA!!! STRAIGHT INSANITY!!) People are getting married, buying houses, renovating those homes, bringing babies into the mix, and getting on to get on. All of that sounds AWESOME, but I will say this: I want to have my friends when I’m 40, 50, 60, 70 years old and on. I’ve worked my entire life on some of these relationships and there ain’t no way IN HELL I’m going to forgo them even for my own whining whims. Relationships are work, whether they’re romantic or platonic, and I care too much about both to do anything but try to be present, fun, and available.

Maybe what I should be saying is:

Friends,

I really miss you. I want to know what is happening in your lives. For those of us not near each other, I miss being near you, your presence, your self so much that it drives me ponder changing my life just for the chance to be closer to you. I want to stay friends, I want to be close throughout the changes in our lives, I want to share in the joys and sorrows that make your life your life, and for you to know that I want to be there. I will do my best to be better. I will try to visit you, call you, email long letters, handwrite little ditties, and text small love notes just to say hi. Don’t forget me. Be with me. And know that you are loved.

Sincerely,

Your International Superhero.

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