So it’s been one week since Roy and I made the united decision to take on this crazy world together, and since then it has been highs and lows just dealing with all that comes with an “engagement”. I have to put it in quotations because it seems like an entire entity on its own, where suddenly this word has a life and bloodline that is separated from the couple of which it has united, and is hell bent on timelines, deadlines, scheduling, task lists, and dododo&gogogogos. I haven’t even gotten used to being engaged before I am suddenly in the land of picking dates, colors, locations, flowers, and dresses….AHHHHH!!!
I definitely want a wedding, not so much as a reason to show my friends and family my enduring promise of love and affection to my partner, as to have an opportunity to share with all those that we love so dearly a moment in time when we can all be together. I have always wanted a time when my friends from everywhere could be all together. A wedding sounds like the perfect time.
But when I think about my wedding, what I mostly feel ready to tackle is not flower arrangements or seating charts, but life. I am ready for a home, a baby, a writing career(!!! More on that later!!!), and to be in the thick of things. What I’m worried about is that life doesn’t “work” that way, and after the stress and strain of a wedding, I’ll still be without a home, no closer to being ready for a baby, and still working a 7-4 that is…unfulfilling.
I might just be missing the jumping through the roof feeling. I know that everyone expects a bride to be crazy excited, happy, and swoony, but I have a different approach. My feelings are that I have a great mate, whom I am enjoying the hell out of, can see us having a happy life, and just hope that I can stick to who I am through all of the madness of who “we” are. I’m actually given strong recognition and acknowledgement to all of the struggles that we will have as a couple, versus all of the amazing times we will share as a family. I figure, if we can make it through the SHITTY ASS parts of life, than the nice time will be just that- nice. I’m actually pulling for couples counseling now rather than later so another human being outside of our dimensions can ask us the hard questions of life, and make sure that we are both happy with the way the other feels and thinks during the worst of times. (Although I do want to also note that in reality, one will have no real way of knowing what is the “right” thing to say or do when the chips are down, that’s the mystique and mystery of life. If we knew what we would do during all circumstances, than we could just set our lives to autopilot and deliver the automated responses when all is said and done. To this, I say, no thank you. Dealing with the shit is what makes us real people, and I for one, want to know myself.
Right now, I have to just breathe through the questions about available months ( not near anyone’s birthdays or anniversaries), color schemes (yes, I understand that YOU like periwinkle blue and pear, but we like a different theme), activities (aren’t eating, drinking, dancing, and vows enough?!?!?), and wedding presents (these champagne flutes are antiques…don’t you just LOVE them???…yes?…no???). I will not freak out, not this early, and not over a day that has already come for me. I accept him, he chooses me. Done and Dun.