I am YOUR Rolling Stone.

I See a Red Door and I Want It Painted Black.

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens ev’ryday

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not forsee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I wanna see it painted black, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Man oh man, and I just pissed off and OVER IT! The cycle starts with one bad “thing” and then suddenly everything becomes dark and menacing and before one knows it, EVERYDAY SUCKS!!!

Yup, that’s where I am. Rolling Stones, be with me here.

I thought that last week a change had been made. In fact, I was SURE that the tides of my day job were shifting and finally, finally I would be given more work, more responsibility, more training…jesus, more SOMETHING. I went home last week spent of energy, excited about the possibility of working hard and all day long, and the feeling that the powers that be were finally looking at me with some interest and curiousity.

This week I see that nothing has changed.

And because my attitude for 10 hours a day is filled with negative, down in the dump thoughts and scenarios, by the time I commute home, through traffic and can finally shake it all off…well, I can’t. I am grouchy when I’m not at work, and that is carrying over into my home life, relationship, work out routines and timetables, family ties, and overall general well being.

The worst part is that this is making me want to cut my hair.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!! WE KNOW SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WHEN I START WAVING SCISSORS AROUND MY MANE. In fact, the last time I said to R that I was this unsatisfied with things, I’m pretty sure he hid all of the scissors just in case. (A good man.)

But I don’t know what to do? Is this the kind of grin and bear it attitude that I know so many people sport? Or is it NOT okay that I don’t enjoy what I do the majority of my waking hours? I feel like this whole experience has been a catch 22 where I if I can’t get things to do, I can’t do well in them. If I can’t do well in something, than no one notices that I’m doing anything at all, and I go unnoticed. If I do go unnoticed, I get laden with the shitty projects that no one wants, the ones that CANNOT get a good review no matter how much one tries, and then I get noticed for the wrong/bad projects that have my name on them. Man oh man. Dunbar would know what I’m talking about.

I guess I’ll go back to trying to train myself. Online courses, print outs on stuff and things. I WILL NOT TAKE THIS LYING DOWN…but I would definitely sit down to have anyone tell me anything that would make this situation better. Anyone? Hello?

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