It’ll Either Bond Ya or Break Ya…I Vote for the Former

So, as I mentioned before, we are the MIDST of kitchen remodel, and it’s going…well….but it is a LOT of work, and in our efforts to save as much cold hard cash as possible, we’re doing all of the demo and installation ourselves. WOO! DANG! HOT DAWG! I’ve been told by many a folk that if you can remodel a huge project with a loved one and don’t divorce or stop speaking, you’ve been successful. Since this is a Mom, Roy, and me project, there are a lot of ways we can bond closer together as a family, or agree to never see each other again, ever. I hope that doesn’t happen.

The schedule so far (and I’ll get pictures up to support this list) has been jam packed around working days, and working nights- neither combo which is good for the soul or spirit:

Friday, July22: Empty the contents of every drawer, cabinet, shelf, and clear off all surfaces so there is NOTHING left anywhere in the kitchen. All contents moved into the dining room, which looks like a pile of crap with no organization, which eventually bites us in the ass later when trying to find…well, anything really.

Saturday, July 23: Begin removal the doors off the cabinets, leaving a set of missing teeth to our kitchen’s skeleton. Extract all appliances to either the dump or go to charity. Mostly, the dump. Drive to San Leandro to the Sears Outlet store to buy new appliances from the most limited selection ever (that’s what being frugal gets you…limitations….) while being wrecked on a Vicodin taken after dental surgery in the early AM. That is fun- spending money with no recollection or care.

Sunday, July 24: REMOVE EVERY OUNCE OF EVERYFUCKINGTHING from the kitchen. Dismantle all cabinets, destroy and remove all counter tops (SO MUCH FUN! BAM BAM BAM!) with as much force and gusto as possible, while trying to not get flying particles of tile, particle board, or mesh wire into your flesh, eyes, nose, mouth or other. Begin drinking beer as though it were water. Seems to make things better. Music also gets louder as brain power decreases.

Monday, July 25: Rip down from 25 foot ceilings two layers of wallpaper. The top layer, a hideous purple flower pattern which was put on so poorly, it comes off with a quick blow of air and your fingertips. The original wall paper which is 35 years old, cemented down with crazy glue, magic potions and the devil’s juice, was more difficult to remove. It required a 7 part process: remove paper with hands, use tool to rough up paper, spray incredibly toxic glue remover, wait 15 minutes, repeat, wait 15 minutes, fight again with pulling off paper until exhaustion sets in and “that’s good enough” will do.

Tuesday, July 26: Continue fight with wallpaper. Begin bashing out large sections of the wall to move electrical hubs. Use saw to cut out floor boards where sink and dishwater have leaked straight through to the ground floor, and all boards must be removed and replaced. Ear plugs required.

Wednesday, July 27: Paint ENTIRE kitchen (all freaking surfaces) with a sealant type paint that doesn’t go on easily and evenly. Finally arms begin to shake, the sweat is running into your eyes, the burning exists ALL over the body, and defeat begins to set in.

Thursday, July 28: Mud the entire kitchen. This requires applying a thin layer of adhesive mud to every surface of the kitchen so that every cabinet, particle board, and paint layer can stick to it when they eventually (if EVER!!!) go up.

Friday, July 29: Drive to Oakland to pick up cabinets, order granite countertop, and fight with Dive Asians over the price or subsequent discount. Once loaded, drive down to San Leandro, back to the Sears store, to add a dishwasher (that tricky beast that ruined the floor) to the shopping list, and possible a hood for the new stove if there is any more money to be spent. Return home and begin installing cabinets as quickly as possible to try and gain back space for the contents of our now overflowing dining room before the birthday party we are throwing for me on Saturday.

Saturday, July 30: Wake up crying from pain and continue installing cabinets while being careful to not drop or maim them in one’s exhaustion. Fill missing areas with particle board that can’t be fixed, covered up, or cared out. Stop at midday to clean house for party, shower, and try to act and appear pleasant for the company that has arrived to celebrate where all we want to do is sleep. Get drunk, hang cabinets crookedly, go to bed at an indecent hour.

Sunday, July 31: Cry so much, this time because of the pain AND the hangover. Continue installing cabinets and filling them with the now disgusting and unusable product that have rotted in our dining room.

Monday, August 1: Appliances arrive…will they have a home to slip into…I doubt it….

….And that’s all I can think of so far…Next week will involve painting the kitchen a real color, adding a fantabulous backsplash that hasn’t been purchased yet, try to find (CHEAP) hardware of the cabinets, install lighting, cleaning…shit…and it all seemed so easy in my head.

And least we know that we will have a clean, organized kitchen to stay (for the next 2 years or FOREVER!!!!) and use with joy. But until that happens, FML…


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