Flock or Solo:
I keep coming back to the idea that there are two kinds of people in this world, those who need to be attached to others and those who prefer to fly solo. And I wonder if it’s possible to actually stay within the category that you are most naturally suited? If everyone around you is getting married, having babies, working jobs, making roots, and moving into their own closed circuit of family, what happens to the other category who wants to be considered normal or average when that isn’t the plan they see for themselves?
Along with this, I’m focused at the moment on the idea that if something feels forced, how long should you keep plugging at it before you realize IT’S BROKE, FIX IT! So many people, it seems do things because they believe it is what is expected, common, something “everybody else does”….and it’s starting to wear on me that I might not be the type that can settle for the less-than-CL-perfect scenarios. Does that make me a shitty person, a snob, an unrealist who is missing the idea that life SHOULD NOT be perfect, you just get along with what you have?
…Or am I right?
Since I’ve come back from where ever I’ve been, I’ve done nothing but try to fight the system that I’m also attempting to work myself into. Is that even possible??? And maybe a better question to ask is why would I try to do something(s) that feel so alien? I’m all for making things work, in fact, I consider myself a bit of a magician in the way that I can create something out of nothing…but that has seemingly only worked everywhere but here. Since I’ve come back to Cali, I’ve lost a ton of money in a sink hole of a start up (money that I’m sure I will never see again…so much for a nest egg….or travel funds…or food money…), made and lost friends that I’m not even sure I really liked in the first place, moved home, stayed home, and found myself in a 8-4 that avoids my get go attitude at all costs.
SO WHY AM I STILL HERE IF THIS IS MY SITUATION?!?!?
There have been wonderful aspects to being here: Roy, RUSTY, seeing my family, redoing the (shit hole bastard ass mother stinking) kitchen, and my cello. But that list seems…weak. Or at least weaker than I would hope to hold the strings of my fragile life together to make something real or livable. Some people would give their right arms to live in a county like Marin, or be near a city like SF. Other people would thrive in a stable environment where family is close, and fiscal security lies in your parents generosity.
Guys, I’m just not “these” people.
I want to move…often.
I want to see the world.
I want to help people.
I want to teach.
I want to live in a place where I’m the odd ball, where my accent is funny, my background is different, and my ways are new, not commonplace.
Is this even possible? Or is my head in the clouds and my day dreams are going to serve as my nightmares?
I have to find resolve or peace. If everyone else can do what I’m doing and not feel so itchy and miserable, than should/can/will I? If I continue to feel like I’m living a lie, will I one day wake up and believe the lie, or cut my hair and disappear into the wild?
I need a way in.
I feel like I’m a solo individual who needs the movement and sway of the new and unfamiliar to keep the things that I would like to keep close, close. Family, friends, animal, love. If I can surround myself with a way to protect these few, dear desires, can I maintain them in a life of movement and uncertainty with security and stability?
Can I have the best of both lives….can I?