The Smaller They Are, The Harder They Pull Us Down?

If it’s not obvious, I’m into babies.

I’m now at that dreaded stage in a woman’s life where I think about kids…a lot. I think about other people’s children, I think about my own kids, I want to know what pregnancy feels like, how bad labor really is, what are the first few months of life with your new person like, how tired will I really be, how will this new life affect parents, family, and friends, what will be child look like, act like, how will I raise them to be good people????

…yeah…I have free time.

But what I’ve been mulling over for the last little while is whether all the energy that I spend caring about bullshit and time wasting is just waiting to go into caring for a tiny person? And when I have said tiny person, will I find myself more comfortable and calm than ever? I know that raising a child is the most stressful, high octane job a person will ever have, so I wonder if in all my musings of having too much time, too much energy, too much CARE about what is going on around me, it might be just the ticket to give all of that spare emotion and thought to a small life form.

Or am I just making up excuses?

Worse case scenario is to have a little one, and find out that I still worry about all the same shit I did before, but now I’m tired and stressed out by caring for the baby, and freak out about everything all the time. I’m already hard to live with NOW, can we imagine how much worse it could get if I wasn’t able to redirect my circle making into baby caring easily?

Do women even have any control over this once the internal clock starts its humdrum beat, causing us to lose focus, go gooey, and stare starry eyed at the baby maker like NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME TO PROCREATE!? I think that the older the clock becomes, the more reason goes out the window, until it doesn’t matter this-that-or the other, it just matters to make, birth, and care for our tiny. My clock is “fairly” fresh, but I still feel like it could be THE ONE thing that would make me seriously reevaluate my dreams to work in international aid, travel, and teach. Rusty has been a close second, but I reckon the baby would take the Blue Ribbon.

There is much movement and change that is going on for me at this particular moment. I know that my limit to how much I can endure is coming to a head, and decisions will start to be made with no real background provisions as much as SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE AND NOW IS THE TIME TO DO IT. I know myself well enough to know that I am ready for a change, a big change, and while I would mostly prefer a traveling aid job, or teaching position, it could be something else. I’m not sure if it will come out to be beneficial or a Major “set-back” to the goals I think I want to achieve (I can never be too sure with what I actually want…fun times being me), but I usually only ride the tide of alterations that begin to take shape whether I can stop them or not.

And I feel it coming.

What else will come with this? Baby? Marriage? Moving? Hair Chop? Occupy Wall Street? Ooooh, I’m nervous just thinking about, and there we go again with wasting energy…



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