If I’m going to be honest, than I should say that I had a massive melt down last night- the kind with crying, hyperventilating, foot stamping and irrational behavior that usually children demonstrate.
But when the camel’s back is broken, and straw keeps raining down, there doesn’t seem like much I can do to combat the frustration, irritation, and disappointment which sometimes feels like my “life”. I tried so hard in my mind to rationalize my anger, to compartmentalize my irrational hysteria, to BE FREAKING CALM AND NORMAL.
But alas, it just didn’t work.
And upon arriving home late into the evening, hungry, tired, overwhelmed and lonely- well, the tears started flowing and the insanity soon followed.
I should state that I often feel really badly for Roy. Who wants to deal with a mess like that? I wouldn’t do it if the tables were turned, how shitty of a partner does that make me? Well…I would, but I wouldn’t like it, so I can only imagine what he must feel like when I’m inconsolable and crazy. CRAZYYYYY.
Not good, people.
But what I’m feeling is being like concrete- turf – asphalt – a dog walking path – any surface that lives under the feet of others. I spend the majority of my day being anxious and panicked that I’m doing something- anything – that will attract negative attention from one or more of my seemingly millions of bosses and higher ups that will result in a conference room discussion, or a “check yo-self” email. Neither rock my world.
Then there’s the twice daily traffic issue, even when I’m on the bus, and the road rage drives me bananas. Yesterday when I fell awkwardly asleep on the bus, only to wake up at my stop to find that it’s 40 minutes later than it should be, it’s dark, I’m already late for the next activity o’ the day, I began to feel that unmistakable tightening in my chest. Hustling to get to my rehearsal on time only to find out that no one else cared to show up, or call/text/email/facebook/twitter/myspaced me to say that they weren’t going to come early.
So, without food, rest, or peace of mind, I sat for the next 45 minutes literally STEWING in anger, until I exploded. EX-PLODED. Not only did we have a shitty rehearsal, but I didn’t care that we sounded awful or that I wasn’t contributing to our improvement. I was done.
I even had a fellow musician and “friend” pull me aside last night and tell me that I’ve been in a black mood for some time now, and that she’s worried about me and what happened to my fun, loving self.
Dude…this sounds so freaking unhealthy.
But when I think about all of the BS that people go through every day which loosely resembles my every day, I can NOT understand how people get through life.
I am not thriving. How can they? People, WHAT AM I MISSING??
Today I’ve woken up tired from crying, disappointed at my behavior, quieted by dejection, and internally bruised. And this is a regularity. I’m sorry for constantly talking about this up and down rollercoaster I call my existence, but I’m trying to get SOME kind of clarity so that things can start to make sense.
What is our purpose? Should we even HAVE a purpose? And if we don’t, what happens then?
All I know right now is that my hair is too long…maybe it’s time for a change.