I’m a Cheater. It’s True. I Confess.

I’m cheating on my fiancee and I am a terrible, terrible person.

I feel like rather than referring to me by my God/parent given  name of CLRDG, I should now be referred to as “Excel’s Dirty- Dirty Lover”. I know this is a totally awkward name for a woman, or let alone anything, but I’m trying to come to grips with the person I REALLY am, and as of today, as I stare at 6 different excel spreadsheets, I feel like I have a new fiancée and “it”(?) is all consuming and, at times, quite foxy.

How did this affair begin, you ask.

What possible type of fulfillment or true satisfaction can you get from a spreadsheet creator, you demand.

It’s not easy to have a relationship with a computer program, you say.

…Well, obviously, you’re now upset and need answers…

The affair began sometime last year (god, I’m so ashamed), when I realized that I was the ONLY person in my office without a spare cot in their cubicle where they would lay with excel whenever they felt the urge. Just me, with a large, clean, uncluttered space where no bed of understanding for excel and me to consummate our love existed.

My goodness, how in the dark I was.

But one day, something just happened. Maybe I was working late one night and felt a growing frustration building. Maybe it was this desperate need for release that led me to double click on the application. Or possibly during a lunch with the girls, as they were all sharing naughty stories of their excel partners and I just didn’t want to be the only one left out.

Regardless of HOW it started, it did begin, and progressed a great deal more seriously and quickly than I had ever intended. I never meant to cheat on Roy, this is the honest to God truth, but sometimes a real love cannot be denied.

I mean, let’s compare Roy and excel. Roy is compassionate, loving, caring, giving, supportive and kind. Those are all qualities one simply can’t toss out with the bathwater. I love and respect these fabulous characteristics in my human partner.

But excel, oh God, excel organizes EVERYTHING. It’s handy, available, tidy, comforting, easily readable, charted, dated, and omniscient. Are those characteristics not as valuable as Roy’s? Do they not contribute to my life in the MOST positive of ways? Does being so organized and available not make me even more amazing as the person I am?


I want to feel secure. I want to feel organized. I want cleanliness, order, simplicity, and a SUM button to clean up all of the questions, confusions, and mess that can become my life. I want to live in tiny rectangular boxes that can wrap text, and strikethrough on command. How easy. How simple everything could be if we could just be together-together.

I have open on my computer right this second:

  1. 1.      2011 Inventory 1512 Checklist
  2. 2.      R09 Final Report Verification
  3. 3.      425- Tracker
  4. 4.      Wedding Checklist
  5. 5.      Monitoring for 2011
  6. 6.      Monitoring for 2012

And this is nothing really. I usually have 10 open for all the tracking and referencing I could ever want or need. This morning I’m trying to wean myself from this lurid affair, as I KNOW truly, we can never really be together.

Excel has so many lovers, so many people to service and fulfill, how could I ever expect it to love ONLY me?

I can’t.

And knowing that I am a cheater who is, in turn, being cheated on is just too much for me to bear. Tonight I will confess everything to Roy and if he is really the wonderful man I know him to be, he won’t hold my increasing desire to order and categorize against me…too much.

We all make mistakes….all of us. Please, don’t judge me.



2 thoughts on “I’m a Cheater. It’s True. I Confess.

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