Too Honest To NOT Be For My Own Good

I don’t like these posts tremendously…they’re too personal, too close to home, too true for me to WANT to share.

But I don’t necessarily write in my journal or blog because I want to…it actually feels like something I HAVE to do with the hopes of working out my thoughts and feelings in a way that will make them make sense to me. I mean really…isn’t this all about me?

NO! It’s not. It’s about sharing and so, let’s share, people!

I met a man yesterday who knew me for all of maybe 20 minutes before he looked me dead in the eye and said:

“You’re a naïve, immature, child who makes demands on the world and when they don’t come you think it’s okay to whine, make drama, and upset the balance of yours life and the lives around you.”

Whoa.

I mean…like, whooooooooooooooa.

This dude doesn’t even KNOW me and he kind of hit the ugliest nail dead center into my forehead with NO concern that his statements would hurt my feelings, make me cry, cause me to freak out, or other.

Nope, nope, nope.

He straight up said he didn’t care if this was hard to hear because no one makes progress when there’s someone there to commiserate with them. His shoulders were not for crying on. That was clear.

So, rather than letting him see my dewy eyes, red cheeks, and hurt spirit I responded in the only way I knew how- right back at ‘em.

“I’m not scared of you or your statements”, I told him, also looking at him intensely in his eyes. I wanted him to know that if he meant business, so did I.

“I know where I am, I am not sure how I got here, but I know that I don’t plan on staying here too much longer and you can either help me or not, but now, at least, you know my agenda”.

Then we didn’t speak for a few minutes.

I laugh now because I was, at the time, being an insolent child who had just had their feelings bruised. I was being difficult and immature. I was proving his point.

I can’t say that his words have rolled off my back, as of yet. They stung, really badly, and whether it was his tone, he flippant return, or the fact that really…he was right; at that moment I just knew that this wasn’t going to be the nurturing road I thought it to be, but that it might also be the rougher stuff that could bring me out of my funk.

I have struggled with my new life. I have pushed against it more times than I have opened my arms and gladly welcomed it with anything more than a shrug and sarcastic comment. The 9-5 thing has been so difficult. No funds, no travel time. No freedom.

And what I think this man was trying to tell me was that 99% of everyone around me are doing what I’m doing and I either have to GET OVER IT and make the best of it or CHANGE MY SITUATION.

I’ve come to this place so many (SO MANY) times to lament about all of these “misgivings” that I believe have come my way, but maybe from here on out, I’ll change something FIRST then bitch SECOND. How about that?

(CL turns in a circle 20 times…)

HI EVERYONE! I just found out more of my bubble will be coming out for August, and I’m SO HAPPY and EXCITED!!! HURRAY! LIFE IS GOOD! THE SUN IS OUT!…um….YAY!!

(tehehe)

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