It’s the New Tweet

I’m assuming that the people who create these wastelands of time extinction are folks with either TOO much free time on their stinking hands or evil thugs who want America, especially, but probably the entire world, to be SO useless and productiveless that the world capsizes on its self and only they will survive…somehow.

What I’m talking about is social networking. Yah, you all know it too well.

Originally, it was the first blush of love with Facebook. Mark Z. knew that when you fall hard the first time, YOU.FALL.HARD. And I was guilty of this romance as much as the next fool. I pretended that I didn’t care what was being constantly uploaded, updated, and refreshed, I pretended I wasn’t taking my phone into the bathroom with me just to check FB, but that I “forgot” it was even in my pocket when I went in. Late nights with only the glow of the laptop or kindle. Early mornings just to double make sure nothing life changing had happened since my 2AM poo, or 4:30AM nightmare scan.

And then I didn’t care anymore WHO knew. I was in love. I was so happy. I showed it in every status update, tagged pic, and “like” selection. This was the best love EVER.

Don’t you DARE judge me, you’ve all done it. Haters.

But let’s not even get in to how THAT relationship turned on us, making our innocent inquiries into the lives of our pasts turn into a blind, stalking rage which included ex lovers, ex friends, ex work colleagues, ex-ANYTHING. It was disgusting. I grossed myself out.

So, when I was gently, yet firmly, directed away from the filth that is Facebook, my sights were turned onto other avenues for self proclamation, and identity expansion. Next, Twitter

…oh, shit.

Here I was thinking that if I just read what’s going on in other’s peoples lives (140 characters or LESS, I mean Hello???) than it would stop at short summaries and not involve the ability to dig any deeper.

FALLLLLLSE!

Tweet wars, hate tweets, trending topics, 1,000,000 follower contests, bikini pics, travel pics, baby pics. MY GOD, it’s worse than FB because everything is so short and sweet that hundreds of tweets can occur an hour- BY ONE INDIVIDUAL.

Suddenly, even without wanting to, I knew too much about your life, I was angry that I wasn’t in Bali, making funny anecdotes, or awesome references to inane and obvious observations; how many different names did the different Kardashians REALLY have, and why are Kayne and the President fighting over gay marriage????

I saw it coming; the weaning must begin again.

I cried. I missed my supercharged milk. I missed my over the top formula. I missed my techno mother/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other.

So, I moved on. I grew up.

I am introduced to something else.

But this time I am wary. I don’t want to have my heart so open and venerable again. If it weren’t for this blind date, I wouldn’t even MEET the new social trend. But, my friends promised me that this one was different, and that I wouldn’t have any of the same hang ups like I did with those last losers.

Ok, here we go:

(Girl walks into the uber trendy, coffee lounge, takes a set at the hipster wood bar, lined with other people her own age wearing toms and piercings, plugs in her Apple Macbook Pro, and clicks the on button…)

“Hi, are you CL?”

“I am, if you’re Pinterest….are you?”

“You bet! You’re a lot prettier than your friends let on.”

(embarrassed, but not going to show it) “Yah…I am…so, what do you do?”

(laughs out loud clearly enjoying my spirit) “I’m into architecture, art, cars and motorcycles, design, DIY & crafts, education, film , music and books, fitness, food and drink, gardening, geeking out, hair and beauty, history, holidays, home décor, kids, my life, women’s apparel, men’s apparel, the outdoors, people, pets, photography, prints and posters, products, nature and science, sports, technology, travel and places, wedding and events, and other. You?”

(I’m literally struck dumb) “Um…yah…I’m into all that stuff too…I guess….”

“Want to get a drink and talk about all the things we have in common? Come on, I’ll buy”.

…And so it begins…

Just Pin It.

It’s the new tweet.

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