TODAY…and every other day…
1) Got in a huge argument with my person, which has been happening more and more lately. These just slay me and makes the next 9 hours at work incredibly a.w.f.u.l. Maybe this is common for about-to-be-married couples, the stress and strain to get everything ready before the “big day”. Not just on the surface, but deep down as well. I don’t just want to get married in three weeks, I want to welcome some kind of “new life” which will be filled with fulfillment, excitement, good friends/family, joy, health and wealth.
Instead, it seems we’re just realizing all the things that we’re struggling with, both internally and externally, and neither of us seems fit for this challenge. No person is perfect, and it SUCKS to have to meet failed expectations of one’s self every day. Neither of us wants to be feeling this crap about so many things in our lives at a time when everyone expects us to be happy, upbeat, over-the-moon., but here we are.
So then, the janitor at my building last week caught me crying (apparently Tuesday’s have been my day to lose my shit, and so it happens to have a fight in the car driving to work, and then spending the day miserable and feeling sorry for myself) and asked me a few poignant questions which made me SHAME myself.
a. Am I healthy?
b. Is my family healthy?
c. Do I have someone at home who loves me?
d. Do I have this job?
e. Could it be worse?
So, once she threw that good sense into my face, how could I argue?… Damn it…I’m still trying to find fault and I’m shut down again.
Then I have to ask, if life is so “good” why does it not feel like that? (see #2,3,& 4 as possible reasoning..?)
2) Got passed up for a promotion. This one stings badly.
And to be fair, the person who got it totally deserves it, so congratulations.
But for the two of us left behind on the old contract, there is suddenly no love lost for our jobs. Just being overlooked, undervalued, and mostly for me, not being the best is a cold awakening that I have lived a fucking fantasy for wayyyyyyy to long and maybe… I’ll never be the star player again.
Maybe I’ll never get a promotion, a significant raise, a chance to prove to myself and my contact that I’m worth EVERY penny. I used to feel like I couldn’t do wrong and that I was actually touched by luck on BOTH shoulders. Now I just feel like I am watching those around me with the luck prosper and I’m just in their fading cheering section.
3) I can’t communicate with anyone anymore. I’m so awkward and antisocial that I’m a tiny bit scared that I’ll wake up alone, lonely, and wondering how the hell all of this happened when in my mind I am an International Superhero.
If you asked my friends from High School, they would have told you I was TOO social. In fact, I was caught by a best friend who laid down the law as we sat on the back of her car, who told me that I was spreading myself too thin and there was no more time for her.
I never forgot that feeling. That stank poop.
And now, I feel like my ability to trust, be open, share, and be friends with other people has been somewhat compromised. Like I CAN’T actually make friends anymore. (Refer to article in post below). That maybe my homie from HS was right; I allowed too many people in and therefore couldn’t regulate how much I was giving out to everyone else, saving nothing for my own self, or those in my bubble who earned their fair share of my quality time.
THEN I GET MAD.
In fact, there are a few people I should have a CL-style heart to heart with, but it’s more for me than them. It’s just that I can’t communicate. Not with my friends, not with my fiancée, and apparently, what I’m deducing is, not with myself, either. I’m reverting back into a self that needs safety more than insanity, and I need security more than popularity.
4) And finally, I hate Kaiser and their addiction to meds (no pun intended there).
If you feel good – take a pill.
If you feel bad – take a pill.
If you don’t know HOW you feel – TAKE A FUCKING PILL.
So, you do.
And then what happens when you don’t want to take the pills anymore? When you want to see, think, and feel for yourself – GOOD OR BAD. Well friends, you get even more fucked up.
Now this might be a huge tie into #1, #2, and #3….regulation is key, to be fair. But is it going to be impossible that I might want to regulate, oversee, and supervise MYSELF? And if so – HOW DO I DO IT??? How do y’all do it?
…Is anyone else this tired at 10:43AM? Xxxx