I must try to paint y’all this picture.
It’s for your own good.
So, I’m very sure I’ve mentioned once or twice that I like to workout on my lunch breaks for a multitude of reasons: keeps me in Beyonce shape, breaks up my day, leaves my nighttimes for my man and dog, and maybe provides me with daily doses of happiness that I’m told makes working out GREAT for downers like me.
But sometimes I have to try something new, shake up my old schedule because, why not??
Today’s class o’ trial was called Core Conditioning, "using body bars/hand-weights, constant movement and high energy music, this class focuses on strengthening the core and overall muscle endurance.” Sounds fun and upbeat, right? Like Jazzercise for the 21st century. I’ve secretly had a dream to one day be a jazzercise teacher, wearing a side mic, leg warmers, and head band, which matches my unitard, screeching to my packed class, “come on lovers, LIFT LIFT LIFT!!!”
So in the spirit of jazzercise legends, I don my sweatband, head band, braid hair, throw on my matching pro-tech anti-sweating performance top and leggings, Asics trainers and sport socks READY to dominate this class and impress my teacher (I have a problem, judge if you want, but once a goodie-goodie, always a goodie-goodie). I walk into the main gym as the class of BOOT CAMPers are leaving, sweating to death and looking fierce. I’m early. But once the room empties, there is only myself and one other.
And here is where the day became fabulous because this other wasn’t just another other, he was THE other.
A 5’8” tall, 180 pound gentleman with a balding head, and what little hair remained cut to the same length as his shadowy beard. Attire consisted of a Hanes white t-shirt, men’s small, which was a size, if not two, too small and gave the fella the impression of being overweight when really he wasn’t. Things were just hanging out all kinds of improperly and it was so hard to not stare at his midriff and think of something you’d see on Breaking Bad. (Does he park his car on his lawn?) The navy sweatpants had the same idea as the shirt, and came down only to his mid calf, and yet started 6 inches below the top of his WHITE-ASS TIDY WHITEY UNDERPANTS, incidentally, also Hanes brand. Long white tube socks covering the distance from his ELECTRIC blue and yellow trainers, to the bottoms of his teeny sweatpants, completed the look.
I wasn’t quite sure how he was going to work out in such…small gear, but hey, it was my first class too, so maybe we would somehow be in the same first-day, awkward, “let’s-be-friends” group.
Yah…he’s the instructor.
But I only realized this once the class started filling up, and BLARING, DEAFENING, BASS THUMPING Britney Spears came out of the speakers and he begins to holler to everyone to start warming up.
This sturdy, fitness instructor addresses the class, saying as seriously as death and taxes, full stare into the mirror, in time to the music, “It’s Britney, Bitch”, and goes full blast into the hardest one hour of hell I’ve had in a long time.
What was I focusing on the most during that 60 minute death pit?
When it wasn’t the sweat patch forming across the white of his underpants or the pain in my hips, thighs, and arms, it had to be watching my teacher dance, groove, and sing to every pop song from Ms. Katy Perry, Rhianna, Brit-Brit, $ Kee$sha, in time and with frigging gusto. He was SO happy and in his element.
And I loved him!
It’s all about for me right now, during things that make you happy, and doing them with your whole heart because that’s kind of all we have to keep us sane. I’m constantly working on keeping myself naturally and healthily in shape and balanced, which means literally filling my days with things I might not want to do, but know that they’ll be good for me, and I secretly enjoying doing. Working out, singing at the top of my lungs, and making myself look like a righteous dumbass- all quality “uppers” that I’ll take any way that I can.
So, for today, I want you to picture Mister Happy in his tiny man’s costume, with his sweaty demeanor, gyrating, lifting, kicking and dancing in time to Pop Culture Queens, with me, right along with him, loving life and being free. “And LIFT and KICK, and LIFT and SQUAT!!!”
To quote the best dance movie ever, “All I want to do is Dance”.