This I did today.
I wore colors.
I spent last week in black, not for purpose as much as I looked like shit and couldn’t be asked to try harder than taking one color that looked semi-ok even if it was dirty so I could BE at work and not use anymore PTO. Apparently the death of a dog is not considered immediate family and therefore bereavement leave does not apply. So from Wednesday to Friday I suffered through work looking like death, which a favorite co-worker of mine actually said is how I seemed. Cheers, big ears.
I put on makeup.
For those of you who have seen me in an time of despair, I look like the bags under my eyes have packed their own bags for a year-long adventure around South America, and my pale coloring and the red glow across the whites of my eyes only add to that desperate need for travel and relax. Long story short, I looked so sickly that I was upsetting those around me. Who cares, was my thought, but sadness makes others quite uncomfortable and that doesn’t “support” my work environment. So, makeup today.
Haven’t cried today. Enough said.
But that was probably due to the glorious wake I threw myself on Friday in the hopes of screaming, crying, and memorializing enough to get back to something manageable this Monday. If it tells you anything about my performance, I went in at 4:30 and was cut off by the bartender by 6. Nicely done, CL.
No matter what I do to put some distance between what happened to my beloved home boy and myself, I know that only time will make this hurt less. I get swept up in little things that come out of the blue and leave me destroyed.
On Saturday it occurred to me how much less fun napping will be without my partner in sleep. No dog could nap better. Through sickness and health, he cuddled up right next to me, sighed a heavy sigh, and slept. Like a champ.
Not opening the back car door every time we go or get to some location. We made efforts this weekend to clean out the car, put the backseats up, take away a few gentle reminders that we are in a different place now. In fact, on Friday, I bought PLANE TICKETS to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving, which was a trip we were going to car it, as we were going to take the Brown.
So, we are trying to move forward. For every painful reminder, there has to be the recognition that it won’t always feel like this. My first dog. My love.
But for today, I will try to not have that attitude. For today, I will be better.