I’ve so been trying to avoid writing on this blog o’ mine while I feel sad, etc. SOME PEOPLE don’t appreciate my emotional posts, and in an effort to make this more about the reader and the writer, I have been working on that….a tiny, tiny bit.
But today…man oh man, I feel so much STUFF in my chest that I’m worried I’ll blow if I don’t vent some of it somewhere. Anywhere. So sorry, it’s here…
In one instance it feels like life has both sped up and slowed down at a tremendous rate. There are things moving in my professional life, and they shift and appear at such a determined pace that I barely have time wrap my mind around the possibilities or prepare for such options. The panic of having to make such large decisions so quickly means that my slow pacing, rational mind is put to the side, left to worry and fret like a love-stricken teenager.
And there is my personal life….I just want to say for the record that I’m beyond tired of being so drained emotionally. It’s been two weeks since we lost Rusty, and yesterday, JUST YESTERDAY, I was thinking that maybe, maybe, maybe I was feeling better and was beginning to let go of my sadness and anger. But then I put R and I into a situation that would only encourage our daily reminders that we had a perfect pet and lost him.
Nice job, CL.
We were already house sitting two dogs for a coworker from the day Rusty went missing until last night. It was beyond crazy painful. But last night was to be our first night back at home, with Atticus, and our little life that I missed so dearly. And rather than cuddle up with R on the couch and watch trash, skype with my friends all over the world, write a love sonnet to my new neice Florence, what do I do? I tell a friend that we’ll take her two dogs while she’s away over night, bring them to our grieving home, and watch them piss, shit and destroy our house, while the entire time I’m reminded that our dog would NEVER behave this way. They chased Atticus until he wouldn’t come to either R or I. They peed all over R’s clothes in the middle of the night. And when we put them in the bathroom from 2AM on, R felt sad for them and put in Rusty’s bed to sleep in.
When we walked into the bathroom this morning, the bed was destroyed, absolutely torn to shreds, and so did my ice thin resolve to make everyday better.
Now I hate today.
I hate sitting here, resenting everything and everyone, feeling so lonely, begging the Universe to grant me a vacation, a reprieve, a break from all this BS. I have NO right to feel like this, so used and abused. I am doing it to myself, so I know that I also have to get out of this myself. But, have you met me?!?!
My goals are to study for my super hard math tests (long story, not seemingly producing a happy ending, or mabye they will), practice my cello, go through the motions of smiling and laughing at work (for god FORBID I make other uncomfortable with my mood or needs), try to be good for Roy, who is the best human being I know, and not lose my touch with the outside world.
I miss laughing for real. I miss feeling supported by my people. I miss me.
So…I’M SORRY THIS IS SUCH A LAME ASS POST.
I’M SORRY THAT I KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW SAD I AM.
I’M SORRY THAT I CAN’T GET PAST RUSTY’S PASSING BETTER.
I AM SORRY THAT I’M AN OVERLY EMOTIONAL PERSON.
I’M SORRY IF I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU, RETURNED YOU CALLS, BEEN HAPPY FOR YOU SUCCESSES, OR ACTED NORMAL.
I’m sorry I got out of bed this morning. so there.