Ok, here is my life at this actual moment.
I have NOTHING to do at my job. Literally nothing. It’s Wednesday, (12/12/12 incidentally, so that’s cool) and I have 2.6 more days at my current cubicle, which could sound like heaven to any lazy ass, except like all good things, it’s the false front to a more evil and sinister nature…
I mean let’s be a tiny bit honest here. We know that this particular job never allotted to challenging my brain, or taxing my stress level when it came to work load. I just never had enough. And in the beginning that was absolutely killing me! I would sit at my desk for hours a day, just hunting for projects to work on and support tasks I could steal from other coworkers. I had meetings with my manager asking for something, ANYTHING I could do to showcase my talents, my skillzzzz, but mostly, keep my overacting brain engaged.
That just never happened…
HAHAHA, how I laugh now.
I did a lot of things in that empty time when no one called upon me to hustle, search, seek and destroy. I won’t say I planned a wedding or found a new job, but…well, I just won’t say that. I did stuff and things, and watched my life slip away while I did hard time to find a better place of employment in the future.
But now it’s all worse. So much worse.
I am actually writing this post because I need to massage my brain into doing more than looking at online shopping, reading blogs, playing words with friends, instagraming my entire life, staring out the window, and generally just spending way too much time thinking about life.
And that’s actually what I wanted to talk about, life.
The big question for me today is should I go on a run for my lunch break or dip down to the massive mall at my fingertips and spend money I don’t have on things I only think I need? And being as self absorbed as I obviously am, I start to wonder about the bigger picture that these two options pose to my overall happiness and fulfillment.
I’m seriously OVER being the person that tries so damn hard to do good, more, better. I recognize that I’m not the only one who puts effort into accomplishing tasks big and small every day, but the question is why can’t I be chill when I don’t make the “right” decisions?
If I want to go shopping today, WHY DON’T I???? If I want to change jobs, WHY DO I DOUBT MY NEEDS? WHY ALL THE WHYS???
Because…I already thought of running, which is the cheaper, healthier, smarter, better…(Yadda Yadda) option. And I’ve known I’ve wanted to change jobs since day 31 understanding that one must be happy at some points during the day, but still feel like I’m abandoning ship. You see, once I’ve birthed an idea of greatness out of my tiny viewpoint, I hate on myself again and again if I even REMOTELY think of doing something else.
Roy asks me on a daily f-ing basis, “why do you always have to be doing something all of the time?” He has this concept of an idea he refers to as “free time” which makes almost no sense to me. If you have free time, shouldn’t you be using that said time that is free towards accomplishing all the tasks in the world that you haven’t had the time to do??? Don’t we all have projects that have been put on such a distant back burner that they’re actually in your neighbor’s kitchen rather than yours? I mean…Shouldn’t we just get them DONE????
Or should we?
What if right now, in this ultimate moment of forced “free time”, I fill it with reading Kindle books, winning online cribbage, researching PhD programs, or texting old friends incessantly to say that long forgotten “hi, howdy, hello!”, rather than trying to help my coworkers do projects or generally just be present in my last days here? What does it say about my character if I’m not caring about being the best employee ever? What if I decide I want to go shopping rather than run around the neighborhood because one is just plainly MORE FUN than the other? Should I ridicule myself as a fat ass and lazy because I don’t want to train when I can? (well…yes, I think)
People, I JUST WANT TO BE FREE TO NOT JUDGE MYSELF ABOUT EVERY LITTLE DAMNED THING!
My Guru, LLL, wrote me an email last week saying, “Be who you are and say what you think and feel…because those that matter…don’t mind…and those that mind…don’t matter.” Without feeling like an awkward duck because I think differently, act independently, respond oddly, do other, can I just be and behave the way I want to without always adding a second guess? Do I always make good decisions regardless if they are or aren’t the “right” ones?
Can I forgive and forget MYSELF?
Whoa…I need to pause on this topic…I think I have to go shopping.
Happy 12/12/12 folks.