Is it me or is it them?
I am a 30+ year old woman, with a career (HA!), a husband (one legged, but still…), a gato, and a house (comes with a Mother attachment, each sold separately) who has suddenly crossed over into a type of territory that is unchartered, obsessive, and scary.
I don’t know what to say here really besides: I want babies, I want puppies, I want kittens, I want to be a stay at home Mom, I want a family. Now.
In translation, you may be asking: does this mean you’re ready to get pregnant??? Are you adopting a second dog??? ARE YOU ALREADY PREGNANT WITH A KITTEN???
But mostly no.
Although there is a heavy sway towards yes.
But not this month.
However, possibly next month.
We’ll see how it goes.
We’re not planning.
But we’re not NOT planning.
But am I checking shelters everyday for Attuicus’ brother or sister? Yes.
Have I already downloaded the ovulation iPhone tracker? Yes…the free one though. ( I just learned when I’m fertile…a little late in the sex ed game, I see now.)
So…my inner dialogue leads me to believe that I am suddenly fighting the good fight against she who reigns supreme, known as Mother Nature. The Big Digital Clock. The Old Lady Timer. All of the above.
And I find that I’m all over the place with my decisions to stick to something. Like, if I change my mind every day, let alone every 15 minutes, then at least I’m thinking about things, and working them internally, making choices for my family, and being responsible.
BLAH BLAH BLAH! ONE DOES NOT GET TO MAKE CHOICES AGAINST MOTHER FREAKING NATURE.
Ask Roy…he’ll tell you living with me is one giant, emotional roller-coaster of indecision, tears, and overwhelming joy. All at the same time.
Right now I’m on the dog kick pretty hard. I hate life without Rusty. It’s not the same AT ALL. Not as fulfilling, not as joyous. And I still cry. All the time. I don’t know that it will ever go away the hole in my heart, and my overwhelming guilt upon losing him. But I also know that having a dog, having animals, makes life seem right and complete; the circle gets closer to closing in harmony. And so I look everyday, send Roy links all the time, question him like crazy the second he steps into the door, fill out applications, talk to foster parents…jesus, I AM a physco.
But my feeling today is just get the dog, get knocked up, jump IN head first, deal with the rest later. Maybe not the most responsible action, but also the one that gets things MOVING. MOVING. MOVING. Life is not static. I AM NOT STATIC!!!!
…so…on this Wednesday, THIS HUMP DAY…shall we? Shall we make changes? Make progress? Make love? Welcome a new family animal? Get a hair cut? Get a trainer? Get rid of the TV? Make a friend? Dump a loser? Quit smoking? Find a writing job? MAKE IT ALL MOVE MOVE MOVE?????
Maybe. Or maybe tomorrow…