Well, the good news is we’re pregnant!!!….and there is no bad news. It’s just taken me a really, REALLY long time for this to actually sink in totally. I’ve noticed that I tend to take a bit longer than the average bear to grasp all of life’s BIG debuts, this one being no different.
How-ev-er, I did try to make some ripples in the proverbial ocean when we first found out on about our little bundle of JOY on Mother’s Day (coincidentally enough).
I thought up: NOT A JANUARY BABY!!! YOU MUST STAY INSIDE UNTIL FEBRUARY, THE MONTH OF LOVE! January seemed like such a dismal month to be born, so dark, so cold. But then quickly realizing all of the bad-asses I know that are already Capricorn kids, I figured I’d move onto something else to make me fret.
But who can worry when you’re about to puke or actually chundering ALL DAY, EVERYDAY ( morning sickness can actually be daily sickness, people, don’t be fooled). I was especially down and out between the hours of 1-4. I wanted to just crawl under my desk and fall asleep to combat the effects of sea sickness that raged throughout my body like I was about to go through “White Squall 2” all by myself (Where are Jeff Bridges and Scott Wolf when you need them???).
I was no picnic to be around.
I would drag myself home after work (some days stopping to box for an hour, which may have just been sadomasochistic and wrong, but my inner ‘MUST STAY FIT’ demon was squealing in my ear to keep it up) and immediately go to bed. Saltines became a steadfast on our bedside table, and ginger ale was my main means of calories. I was forced to eat something small and dry every hour on the hour or I would start to spin and have to put my head on my desk like I was in trouble.
But the upswing was that carbs were FULLY back on the menu; bagels, pasta, sandwiches, muffins, scones, WHATEVER HAD GLUTEN to make the wooziness cease. An Italian does love her Pasta!
And even though my mind was WHIRLING with all the millions of ‘what ifs’ (you should know or at least imagine what I’m talking about here: What if there’s something wrong, what if I raise a monster, what if I am a shit parent, what if I hate my kid because of sleep deprivation, what if this breaks Roy and I up, how will we afford day care, when do I need to go back to work, what if, what if, what if, what if ??????) I found myself still totally and completely overwhelmed with the idea that this was ACTUALLY happening.
It seemed that I was suddenly stilled and muted about the reality of what was occurring in real time. I just couldn’t quite make myself believe the little digital stick. (Can computer generated responses to urine tests really try and trick a human for real? Is paranoia a serious issue???ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!)
So, going to our initial sonogram, when the RN showed us PAB (our nickname for “it”…I’m afraid to say what it means because people are so touchy and I’m NOT a racist…wait, now this sounds even worse!) and we could see the flickering of the heart beat, my Mom cried, my husband teared up, and I did…nothing.
I was transfixed. I was transported. I was teleported. I was nowhere and somewhere, but mostly nowhere. I was for the first time in my life, pregnant. (SIDEBAR: Thank you Mom for always teaching me about birth control and being an advocate for me taking care of myself throughout all my years of….indiscretions). This wasn’t some false alarm, some “oops, we had too much fun at a blue grass festival”, how did this happen- kind of moment. This was serious and real.
My mind was telling me that I was absolutely not, in any way, pregnant. And yet, there on the screen was a starfish type looking entity which had in the center of it’s being a tiny strobe light indicating life. The heart beat.
I had a new spirit inside of me….
I could not compute.
And so to give me the necessary and figurative “slap in the face” that it seemed like I needed at this point, the universe staring trying in every way possible to convince me to trust the stick, have faith in the strobe light heartbeat, and GET ON THE BABY BANDWAGON.
SLAP #2: Shortly after we discovered our alien life form existed, we were gifted by our landlords the option of moving into the upstairs unit which was comprised of a massive 4 bedrooms, two full baths, backyard, dining room, huge kitchen, a view and natural light galore. It was a dream come true. (Although, to be fair, I did try to get out of moving because of the price jump, which I now know was SO STUPID, and thank god Roy and I didn’t fall into the money pit. Sometimes you have to spend a bit to get SO MUCH MORE). We now would have enough room for a growing family and could settle in the first place we had come to know and love since living with Mom for so many (wonderful) years.
And so, we moved (another tale for another time). We were so happy.
SLAP #3: Then finally, this week I turned 35 years old. Big time, people, BIG TIME. (It’s my FIRST 35th birthday too, I still have 20 more to go!) And in reflecting on all of this insanity that had taken place over the last few months, I took a moment while standing on my front deck, overlooking my tiny town, and thought to myself: I’m married, pregnant,living in a “big kid” house,and life isn’t bad AT ALL. I am VERY grateful for what I have and even more so, what we’re ABOUT to have.
It’s still sinking in that we’re going to be parents. That I may have a little one who will make the same faces as Roy or myself, that will need and depend on me for their WHOLE STINKING LIVES, and I will cherish more than any other thing on this Earth. But everyday that this reality does dig a bit deeper into my core, I am profoundly grateful for my life.
January 14 Zodiac