Well here I am again, a new job, in a new location, albeit, still with Cal, but now with the business side of the house, and feeling all the feelings that come with something “new”.
Turns out, I actually dislike new things.
Or, more so, I dislike change. I have been so irritable and nervous about getting and starting a new position that I may have tried to disrupt everything and anything in my life to make balance. It’s like the universe is asking me to ruin all to make one “small-ish” change.
But starting a new job is not an easy task. One has to learn the art of looking busy for a tremendously long time, without having much to do. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m reading the literature, reviewing the shared files, taking notes on previous tasks completed.
However, until I get my own work, I feel chained to my desk with nothing, nothing, nothing to do. But write this post. And organize my music library. Look at pictures of my darling baby (who, by the way, is walking – running- jumping – leaping over everything, and she doesn’t allow for much rest and relaxation). Trying not to stare out of the window too long.
You know, the usual.
We did have a moment during our team meeting this morning where we were discussing gaps in learning and training development, and when I chimed in, it sounded really professional and knowledgeable. Like I belonged here. For that moment, I realized that it as a great thing that I had taken this leap, moved departments, moved buildings, changed the view.
And then I got back to my desk.
Now I’m pretending to be busy and it’s hard work.
But this ties into a few different facets of my life where I have to pretend to be busy. I think it has to be because I’m so busy in other parts of my life (family, fitness, finance) that when I do have down time at home, I get guilty that I’m not doing something, anything, MORE THINGS. So I color, or read, or scrapbook – keep your comments to yourselves, I only have ONE kid, and she goes to bed at 6:30. I fill my time doing whatever I can get my hands on so that I feel like I’m winning, achieving, and succeeding.
Still the art of keeping busy, is an talent. To keep the mind working and growing. I don’t love it, and wish I could just wander down to the Crate and Barrel Outlet to pass the time. But I need to take away from this day (or series of days) that eventually I will be nut-so busy, I will lose my down time, and I will look back on these slow days and WISH FOR THEM BACK.
Life is about damned balance. So take the good with the bad, the slow with the busy, and the cubicles with the windows all in stride. At least until tomorrow, when I have to write another blog to pass the time.