I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately.
In fact, maybe this lately is actually years. And until yesterday, I couldn’t quite pinpoint why I was feeling so off, why I wasn’t feeling like myself for so long. For so many years.
As many of you in my inner circle know, I love counseling and chose to go whenever I can because I’m not the best in working out my own stuff. Whether it be about marriage, the urge to flee (aka travel), anxiety, personal happiness – all of these are example topics of real conversations I’ve had with more than one counselor. In yesterday’s session we were discussion walls; the walls we build around our self, the protection we feel we need from both inside and outside vigilantes, the safety we believe we’re installing by making the walls as tough and as high as they need to be.
But in having this convo with my lady, we made the discovery that my walls, my protective barriers, were currently, and had been over time, causing the ME that I KNOW and that OTHERS KNOW to disappear.
Disappear. Go away. Develop into something and someone else. Change me. Mold me into a different person. Make me different.
Maybe for many folks out there, this is a GOOD MOVE, a HEALTHY CHOICE to build up some walls. Barriers aren’t all bad, in fact, we need barriers on some levels to keep us safe from the things and people that unconsciously (and consciously) want to keep us down, harm us, weaken our spirit. I have to learn about barriers and how they can HELP me. Consider it like a filter: let the good in, the bad out, and monitor the flow for what works best for you.
The example I have for a filter is regarding social (fucking) media. I love it, I hate it, it makes me happy, it ruins my life. This is all real and true. So how can I enjoy what the people I love share, but not be harmed or maimed by what others deem appropriate to share?
But what happens when the walls and defenses we have built up over the last month or our entire lifetime get taken down? What can we start to see when we peel the onion, keeping the good barriers, but losing the overprotective/defensive walls that are keeping us afraid, tired, beaten down, lost?
You start to see you.
Do you remember the you from your happiest of times? Can you recall clearly who you were at that time and what made you tick? Does even thinking about that start a chain of bodily reactions that possibly leaves you feeling happy? Joyous, even?
Maybe it was when you were a child and life was so carefree, you couldn’t even know what you would be losing as your grew because you never knew you had such liberties to begin with.
Or were you in the early stages of adult hood, and so filled with all the exciting prospects of your life to come that you seemed and felt INVINCIBLE, that the world really was your oyster, and you were going to achieve, win, AND succeed – no matter what. There was no true idea that other people would want you to fall, that life would hand out bitch slaps whether deserved or not, that things couldn’t/wouldn’t work in your favor.
For me, I remember being happy when I really sit and give it time. However, once I tap into it, I can vividly recall when I was full of empathy for others, believed in the power of doing good and having that karma come back to me, and contributed to the good of society starting with my bubble.
And then for many, many reasons over time, that was lost. Swallowed up by bad choices, mean people, detrimental randomness, and failure.
Enter fear, embarrassment, skepticism, doubt, shame, fatigue, loss, anger, resentment, and suddenly – POOF!, you’re gone. You are gone.
And who is this new person? The one that eminates dark changes and maybe just all-around yuckiness (the scientific term, of course).
I have been so put out by the yuck, by all the energy I put into protecting myself that I totally, completely, and utterly lost way.
I made myself disappear.
And the person who has been living my life isn’t the best version of me – so she must go away. (ba-bye!)
And what I have found, as my layers are being dissected and dispersed, is that love is my root in and to the earth.
What I have is SO MUCH LOVE for everything around me…Ok, most things around me. (Trump does not get my love! Bah Humbug!) What had separated me from the masses for the majority of my life was my ability to LOVE GREATER, EMPATHIZE HARDER, and WELCOME WIDER than my peers. Each person has their own personal quality to give in this life, and mine just happens to be though love.
My Mom used to say to me growing up that being happy isn’t a way of life and that FLOORED me. But now her tune is not the same – she’s had a cup of my punch and likes it. And just like that, love wins.
So really, what all of this means is that I’m sorry if you’ve missed me. I’m so sorry for having gotten lost in the this maze of worldly bullshit that managed to sink it’s yucky talons into my tender flesh and pull me down. I’m sorry if you lost me in the madness and the both of us assumed I was never coming back.
And I’m not saying I woke up today AWESOME, FIXED, and BRAND NEW. But I did wake up better.
That’s a good way to start…again.
Love to you all,