My parents wanted me to learn a few, very valuable lessons while growing up. I say:Thanks for caring, Mom and Dad.
One slogan we used often in our family was that no good deed goes unpunished. Very relevant then, and incidentally, forever. There was also the shoulder shrug when we declared that Murphy’s Law was in affect. Now I feel like the one truth that’s catching me in the gut happens to be a biggie: It’s lonely at the top.
Now I need to preface that in no way am I at the top. Nope. Nopenopenope.
But I am suddenly someplace where the air is a bit thinner and I’m virtually hiking solo. (I knew I’d make this into an Everest parallel somehow-could feel that coming). I recently got a new position in my organization and I LOVE IT. Like, shout from the rooftops, “LLLLOOOOOVVVEEEEEE YYYYYOOOOOUUUUU JJJJJOOOOOBBBBBB!!!!”, love. I work in training and development, I get to think about ways to help professionals learn their jobs better, faster, easier, and I’m good at it. Well, at least I think I’m good at it.
My first proper project is coming to full term. In fact, next week she’ll be born unto the world; a beautiful, healthy, mentoring program, created, implemented, and taught by me. This is my pet project, my little bambino, my pride and joy. And God forbid, anyone call her ugly, underdeveloped, or basic.
I’ll cut the bitch who calls my baby “basic”.
But this little projo of mine is being rolled out without anyone every giving it a real review. People are…wait for it…trusting me with this program, putting faith in this POA, and I have all the feelings associated with something so foreign to me.
No one micromanaging me or my time.
No one taking the red pen to the guts of this babe.
Not one person wanting the change this, or update that.
And scary as shit.
Why? Because what if it fails? (It won’t). What if the expectations of this program are so high in the galaxy that when I deliver the performance of my life, I get minimal applause and possibly an egg or two thrown my way? Eggs stink. I don’t want to stink.
But it’s really sunk in these last couple of days that by wanting a challenge, by fighting for autonomy, and begging for responsibility, I better deliver the goods. All the goods. Fresh tasting, juicy, flavorful fruit. Grown by the great state of CLG, delivered on time, and with a seal of authenticity.
If the program is awesome, everyone else will get the credit for taking the issues it addresses into hand and making the right choices to make change and forward progress. But that victory won’t reach me down here. I’ll hear all the cheers, but still stand in line to get cake just like everyone else.
And if it sucks…well, if it sucks I will never, ever, ever hear the end of it. There will go the trust and support I have built up, giving me all the freedom in direction and choice that I love with this new job. Out the door will go future possibilities to try something great again, and bring it to life. Never again will I get “pregnant” with a pet project baby.
How fucking sad.
So, no pressure CL. Just do great, don’t make any mistakes, out think everyone else, surpass the never-discussed expectations, be amazing, and get ‘er done. Climb this personal Everest and push out your little baby plan, all in a days work.
But some days it feels like I don’t get no respect. And because of that, it’s real lonely at the top.