Bizarre Fears

The real take-away from this story is I don’t sleep.

In fact, I’ve never been a great sleeper, but since having had Eku, I’m just crap at resting and sleeping all the time. I just worry. And worry. And fret. And worry.

So it was no surprise that I was lying in bed the other evening trying to calm and soothe my whirling and dangerous mind shifts to bring myself to slumber, when a horrible series of thoughts started brewing in my head. They grew and grew to such a degree that I had to yell out to Roy, “REMIND ME ABOUT LANDFILLS!!”.

(We’ve been together long enough that he doesn’t ask why, he just says ok. Thanks, boo.)

But the thought that I started to fixate upon began with the idea of buying Eku a new toy. A doll, in fact.

Even more specifically, a barbie-type doll. A plastic doll.

And as I was thinking of whether she needed a new toy, I started thinking about what happens to all of the dolls that have been purchased for little boys and girls after they’re done playing with them. Where do all the plastic dolls that are dumped end up?

Then I began envisioning piles of naked dollies, with cut hair, colored faces and bodies, missing legs, arms and heads, piling up in our landfills. Miles and miles of dolls with no other place to die. Ack!

It was a somewhat scary vision, to be honest (close your eyes and try to see it…freaky right?).

And what was worse was that I couldn’t figure out how all of that plastic that we’ve just discarded into a pit of filth would disintegrate, would decompose. Would these dolls that were once loved and now abandoned stay put as-is, slotted in between other types of rotting crap that also had no where to go and die?  Live forever in the place it was forgotten?

As this image was now taking a strong hold in my visual memories, I began to get both angry and panicked. My first issue was with the toy companies and consumers (me!) – Why do we allow ANY products to be made that can’t be destroyed with no harm to the environment? We do we buybuybuybuybuy all these toys that we know in the back of our brains, will end up surviving on this Earth longer than ourselves? I don’t want to contribute to the growing waste piles of decapitated doll bodies that will outlive my children’s children, but was I the only one feeling this way?

I suddenly recognized that we have SO MANY products out on the market that go no where at their “end”, and end up leaving behind the carbon footprint the size of a giant.

Then I started to panic.

If we have no way to breakdown these harmful plastics (barbies, train sets, bath toys, etc) down to air, then they’re just filling up landfills, overflowing into everything that is natural. We dump in the land, we dump into the sea, we burn crap sending all those plastic chemicals in the air. That would seem to me that we’re poisoning our ENTIRE LIVELIHOOD, which would leave WHAT???? to our children, or their children, and so on and so forth.

And then it occurred to me that we’re killing the planet.


It’s called denial, and Cleopatra wasn’t the only Queen of it.

I suppose I just I chose to not think about it, so I didn’t.

Sure, there are areas in my life where I made decisions based on my fear for the survival of the planet. We buy 100% compostable diapers, and pay a pretty penny for them at that. But I couldn’t justify bringing ANOTHER PERSON onto this already over-populated and consumer-heavy planet and just continue to add to the growing piles and piles of shit soaked diapers from said new humans.

But did I stop to think about what else we would be consuming and dumping? And where would all the products that we just chuck away go???

My last thought was of a divergent/matrix/mad-max/sci-fy future. Where my kids’ kids’ kids would be freedom fighters, surviving under the Earth in tunnels to avoid the broken ozone layer and fire breathing sun. Eating freeze dried pastes instead of fruits and veggies. Thieving and stealing to survive because THEIR PLANET WAS DESTROYED.

All because we bought barbies.


Toy boats.







Plastic cutlery.

Starbucks coffee.

Styrofoam peanuts.

Food in packaging.





Hair clips.


Birthday party gift baggies.

Ziplock anything.

OH GOD! Stop.

So….back to the moral of the story: teach yourself to fall asleep, easily and quickly.

But if you can’t…It you are the thinker, worrier, over-analyzer, there is hope.

If you’re the same as me, drifting off thinking about the future of the world, and that vision scares you, start getting a clue about what’s happening around us before there won’t be an “around us.”

And it could all start with not buying the dollie.










One thought on “Bizarre Fears

  1. this is an excellent post and I concur with everything. you are truly a Berkeley kid now 🙂
    but that last photo is CREEEEEEEPY.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s